If you don’t use it, you lose it. That phrase couldn’t be more true, or hit me in the gut harder at this moment.
I am that girl, I have lost my Bible. My study Bible, the one that has personal notes, highlighted verses, and dried tears on the pages. I didn’t misplace it or leave it at church; see, I thought I knew where it was this whole time I just hadn’t used it in a while. Not that I haven’t read scripture in probably – cough – six months, but obviously I haven’t sat down with that particular Bible and really dug into the Word of God. My other Bible, the one I take to church is in my husband’s car, and he’s at work.
I do have the internet and my phone, which I could read the same scriptures, but really there’s something about the pages. So in my embarrassment and brutal vulnerability, I decided to write this blog.
This morning I woke up to Skillet’s new slow-jam, my laptop (because I haven’t used it in forever either) isn’t allowing me to look up the title on any search engines because my computer is unprotected – yeah, that’s run out too. Anyway, its the new release from Skillet that’s on KLOVE. And at 5:20 a.m. while my husband is getting ready for work, this song is playing as I come out of my sleep coma, and I find myself in a sweet peace and understanding that when I do get out of bed (an hour and a half later) I am going to make some hot tea and spend time with Jesus. Knowing my husband is spending time with God before work really encourages me. Around 7:00 I made my tea, told my dog to leave me alone for a bit, and went to grab my Bible. JT and I have a bag we bought on the beach in Mexico on our last vacation that holds our “Bible Books” not Bibles but, commentaries, Bible dictionaries, concordances, and one of my favorites titled “The Harmony of the Gospels” you should go buy it right now! So I really thought my Bible was in that bag and when it wasn’t, I looked on the lamp table… not there either. I searched in our home office where we keep JT’s great-grandfather’s family Bible, not with it. I looked on my book shelf, thinking that possibly when I was cleaning one day I put all my books together, nope. It has to be somewhere in this house!
I don’t have to share this part of my life with you. I choose to because I feel like sometimes people look to me as super spiritual, which is a compliment in some way, but I fail – a lot. Striving to be holy is something I really do desire, and there have been great moments, months even in my life where I am completely in tune with the Holy Spirit and I am living the life God has called me to, but oh so quickly it can change. Not that I am killing people, or addicted to drugs, binge drinking, or even being what society considers a “bad person”, or even what the church considers a “bad person”. I find myself in the in between, lukewarm in who I am in Christ. I go to church, I’m in a life group, I sing on the praise team, but there’s no substance. I have moments with God, worshiping at church is real – but in the quiet moments of my life, I’ve chosen to watch Hulu than to open my Bible.
My coworker is doing a new study with women at her church, I don’t know too much about it, but she has brought her Bible to work a couple of days this week to study during lunch and I am so proud of her, yet so ashamed at myself. For the longest time, I was the “christian” at work – not that she wasn’t, nor anyone else I work with, but I would pride myself as the spiritual one at work – yeah because that’s good and healthy, and exactly what God wants, right? Pride. Oh pride. Pride comes before the fall and honestly, it has. Arrogance in Christ – that would be me. Hypocrite? To some degree. Grace: I need it as much in this moment here, than I ever have.
Before work yesterday, JT and I were discussing some financial stuff and we prayed together for the first time in a while. On the way to work I had a hunger like I hadn’t felt in a really long time for scripture. I was driving, so I turned my Bible app on and let it read to me. My spiritual craving was specific, I needed to hear words that Jesus actually spoke – the red letter words, so I knew to start somewhere in one of the Gospels. John, I like John, he writes as Jesus’ best friend and I needed that. I chose John chapter 9, but my phone skipped to John 10 – I didn’t care, I just wanted to hear the words of Jesus. Several verses in, I heard, “…I am the good shepherd…” Yes! He follows us as we stray and he pulls us out of the deepest holes we find ourselves in. The same Jesus who saved the abusive alcoholic, saved the lukewarm-Hulu-watching me. Jesus desires the same relationship with me as he does Mr. Billy Graham, and the same with the multiple offense rapist in who is prison. He leaves the ninety-nine to come after the one, and not only for salvation, but for a genuine relationship! No matter what number we are on the human scale of God’s creation, we are all the same in his eyes. He knows us. He loves us. He wants us.
I am going to find my Bible today, and if not, I’m just going to go buy a new one because I can’t afford not to.